WHAT ABOUT BULLYING?
A few days ago my daughter asked if I thought her son, who
just turned one, was going to be as tall as I am. (I am 6’7” tall and my grandson is off the
charts in height and weight for his age – he was 12 lbs 2 oz and 22 inches at birth). I answered that I thought he would end up at
least as tall as me if not taller. My
daughter voiced her concern that both her children (her oldest is also tall for
her age) will suffer some taunts and teasing as they grow older. This got me to thinking about all of the
bullying that goes on today; about where bullying comes from and what parents
can do to protect their children from bullying as they grow older.
WHERE DOES BULLYING COME FROM?
The most important fact that we must accept is that children
learn this behavior. Bullying and the
emotions that feed it are not part of our innate knowledge (meaning not the
part of us that is our natural beingness).
Bullying is something that children learn from their parents, from other
adults, from their peers, and from all of the outside influences that are
rampant in today’s society.
It is also critical to understand that bullying is, for the
most part, about trying to both cover one’s fear of survival (typically
expressed as fear of change or fear of failure) and a need to build one’s self
up by putting another down. This is seen
most often when one is perceived to be different than another or a group. For some reason society cannot seem to
tolerate someone who is different so it has this need to force compliance to
the accepted norms of the day – no matter that those acceptable norms may be a
form of anger and hate. This push for
compliance is everywhere. It is in our
schools, our governments, our religions, our commercial activities, our sports,
our friends – in other words, everywhere.
Society places standards of parenting success on us all, or
at least on those who choose to try and comply with those standards. Society says:
“be normal,” “comply with all rules,” “look like the beautiful people,”
“be popular,” “make lots of money,” “don’t rock the boat,” and so on. And society teaches us to condemn, and
therefore bully, others who do not meet those standards.
Perhaps even more insidious is that individuals bully
themselves more than they bully others.
It starts by taking on a belief that “I am only as good as what others
perceive in me.” As children many of us
are taught to believe that we must COMPLY with the norms of society in order to
be acceptable. My mother was a champion
at that. From her own wounds she
constantly nagged us to “look good,” “to do everything right,” “to make sure
that others complimented us so that she would feel good about herself.” When we accept this belief we then begin to
judge ourselves (meaning we condemn ourselves) for any behavior that does not
comply to another’s expectations. This
condemnation eventually can turn us into self-bullying and then to bullying
others.
I took on the belief from my mother ‘that who I am naturally
was not good enough and that in order to be good enough I must think and act in
accordance to my mother’s or society’s standards.’ I had to learn to let this go and to let my
anger at my mother go for she was only doing what she had been taught
herself. (This legacy of compliance to
another’s perspective went back several generations.) In my work with children and families I see
this demand for compliance in so many.
It is contrary to who we are as souls.
CAN PARENTS PROTECT THEIR CHILDREN FROM BEING THE TARGET OF
BULLYING?
No. But we can
prepare them to NOT be affected by what others say about them. We can prepare them to respond to such taunts
without anger but with understanding and love.
In fact, we can teach our children to live a life of joy, harmony and
love. Isn’t this teaching what parenting is all about?
We all carry an innate goodness, an innate compassion, an
innate connection to one another. When
parents foster these innate traits in their children those children build their
own self-esteem and self-confidence.
And, while it may be contrary to our own upbringing and contrary to what
society demands of us, fostering this in our children is not that
difficult.
I do acknowledge that we will be challenged to find the
patience not to follow the old parenting patterns we have been taught. My daughter and her husband constantly are
challenged to be patient with their (almost) 3-year-old. When she gets frustrated that child can
certainly act in a disruptive way.
Thankfully, and to their credit, my daughter and son-in-law take the
time to coach and direct this child to make other choices while teaching her to
be her natural, loving self. Does it
always work perfectly? Not at all. But their parenting practice is always to
allow their daughter to find her own way of behaving in a natural and loving
way.
I do not mean to suggest to not enforce consequences when
our children act in some non-beneficial way.
On the contrary, I suggest that it is our duty as parents to teach our
children that with every choice there is a consequence – either positive or
negative. When their behavior is
negative, then there needs to be a consequence fitting to that behavior, but
not from a place of punishment. By its
very definition “punishment” has anger, fear and pain attached to it. Consequences then are about teaching children
to make positive choices so also remember to offer consequences to positive
behavior as well. And remember, when
your child(ren) resist you or act out in some unacceptable way, always remember
to offer them love along with a consequence.
I do not believe that bullying will stop in our society for society
will continue to demand compliance to its own righteousness. I suspect the majority will continue to seek
to comply to society’s rigid standards and in so doing will deny their own
uniqueness and ultimately their own love.
When we deny our innate ability
to love ourselves we deny that love to others and we fall prey to seeking love
outside of ourselves by striving to be what others want us to be.
That being said, we each can be responsible to STOP bullying
ourselves and to teach our children to not bully themselves. We can be responsible to foster our own and
our children’s innate and glorious natural beingness. I often tell clients that my teaching is
“simple” but it is not necessarily “easy.”
But isn’t any change always this way?
Just because it requires being uncomfortable and often demanding great
patience, do not give up on teaching your children (no matter their age) that
love is more powerful than anger and that each person (including ourselves)
deserves our love and compassion.
welcome to the blogging family! You've just got your first follower! With live and light...
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DeleteI remember when I wrote my first post, I was wondering if anyone out there was reading... Keep writing even if noone reads you. It's good for your soul. Plus there are people out there waiting to read you, they just don't know it yet! hahaha! BTW the article is really interesting! Sorry I did not say it earlier!
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